The Risk of Servile Over-Accommodators

Oct 7 , 2023
By Kidist Yidnekachew

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I sometimes scream in silence, yearning to be unapologetically myself, but end up putting a mask on. It imposes a huge burden at times. Perhaps resorting to writing was my way to blow off steam.

I often kept from speaking my mind for as long as I can remember, worrying how my reaction would affect others.

"Don't protect me from the truth," someone once told me, "your job is to tell the truth, and how I react after is not yours to worry about."

It was an advice that stuck with me for a long time. Although I was afraid of making people feel a certain way, I learned that I am not responsible for the emotions of others but mine. I love being the reason why people are feeling good, especially those close to me. But I constantly have to remind myself that I am not pizza and cannot make everyone happy.

People pleasers may go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disapproval. However, the guilt and anxiety eventually become exhausting.

My way of pleasing is constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to shatter someone's self-esteem with my words. Once, I walked a long distance to deliver an item for a friend in the sunlit Addis. Although I was tired and hungry, I did not want to disappoint my friend. But when I later explained the whole situation to her, she expressed that she would not have minded to collect it herself or send someone.

Suppressing my true thoughts and opinions has become second nature to me. But I felt a pang of guilt as I realised that my friend would have understood if I had just been honest. I had put unnecessary pressure on myself, assuming that disappointing her was the worst outcome.

It has made me curious about the reasons for servility. The act of constantly seeking validation and approval from others often stems from a fear of rejection and a desire to avoid conflict.

While there is nothing wrong with wanting to make others happy, people-pleasing can become detrimental to one's own well-being and authenticity. It can lead to a lack of boundaries, difficulty in making decisions, and a tendency to suppress own needs and desires.

Such people may have a deep-seated fear of being rejected or abandoned deeply rooted in childhood experiences, such as having been raised by critical or demanding parents.

People with low self-esteem can also become people pleasers, believing that they are not worthy of love or respect and that they must earn it by pleasing others. A number of factors, such as childhood trauma, bullying, or abuse, maybe the cause.

Over-accommodators may have a strong need for approval from others. They may feel that their self-worth is dependent on the opinions of others. They have a low tolerance for conflict and, hence, may go to great lengths to avoid disagreements or arguments.

While it may not seem harmful on the surface, the consequences are detrimental.

The constant need to seek validation and approval from others can take a toll on the mental well-being of people pleasers- constantly stressed and anxious, always striving to meet the expectations of others. This self-sacrificing behaviour can also hinder personal growth and prevent individuals from pursuing their own goals and ambitions.

They may find themselves in situations that conflict with their own values and desires, creating a cycle of dependency where they feel trapped and unable to assert their own needs and boundaries. In the long run, it can be harmful to one's overall happiness and fulfilment in life.

Fortunately, it is not a permanent condition. There are remedies available to address this issue.

I learned that setting boundaries not to overextend self comes first. Saying no to requests that are overwhelming and delegating tasks to others when possible is vital.

Acknowledging that it is simply impossible to please everyone all of the time, saves one from disappointment and resentment.

While it is important to be assertive and communicate needs, learning to prioritise time and energy along with turning down unreasonable requests is a healthy choice.

Similarly, the fear of hurting someone's feelings or causing them harm by revealing the truth can lead to a cycle of secrecy and deception within families. However, it is important to remember that everyone is responsible for their own emotions and reactions.

We must break free from this self-imposed restraint. Our duty is not to alter the truth to fit someone else's preferred version of reality. Instead, we should encourage open and honest communication, even if it means confronting difficult situations or uncomfortable truths.

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PUBLISHED ON Oct 07,2023 [ VOL 24 , NO 1223]

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