Emotional Rollercoaster of Becoming a Step Mom

Emotional Rollercoaster of Becoming a Step Mom

Jul 1 , 2023. By Carolyn Kissane ( Founding director of the Energy, Climate & Sustainability Lab at NYU. )

The other day, I received an emotional phone call from my friend who was feeling guilty over the way she treats her stepdaughter.

It was clear that she favours her biological children and could not bring herself to connect with the girl on an emotional level. Taking care of an additional child as she was getting the grasp of motherhood herself made her feel like it was a responsibility imposed on her.

My friend admitted to having found it easier to be nice to strangers than her stepdaughter. She envied mothers that were capable of giving unconditional love beyond their own offspring.

She tries to make up for the cold shoulder by providing material needs but feels guilty realising that being a guardian for a child was a major role that should not be taken lightly.

It is a crucial time when children develop their characteristics, which might affect how they react to the world as they grow old.

Despite being aware of all these, she could not find it within herself to connect with the child.

There are those kinds of days when children test patience to the limit. The girl is no exception; she is a child and acts like one.

However, my friend seems to be harsher with her compared to the others while trying to maintain order.

With all the villain stepmother stories we grew up listening to, there my friend was acting centre stage. As the saying goes, all villains were heroes at one point in time.

It was a long conversation, which needed my understanding rather than judging.

Through the phone conversation, I realised that there are always two sides to the story.

Remember the stepmother whose sole purpose is to make her stepchildren’s lives miserable?

Yes, the one who is often judged with no mercy?

Her side of the story is never mentioned. She is not born out of thin air nor plan on becoming bad. Tending to everyone with limited resources exacerbates the burden and the emotional rollercoaster stepmothers go through.

When life throws in a challenge, some overcome the temptations to abuse their power while others give in and act on their emotions. While this does not give a pass to being abusive, a line to never be crossed, the cause should be examined rather than the mere effect.

I told my friend that feeling guilty is a sign that she is aware of herself. The first rule is to be fair and do no harm.

Mistreating the stepdaughter is unacceptable; we agreed that she treats her with the same respect as she would anyone instead of forcing a non-existent love equivalent to her own children.

The next step was to work on herself. People that have not filled their glasses cannot pour some into the next person without emptying theirs. Working on self-love and emotional intelligence goes a long way in how we treat others.

Not everyone is meant to take care of others. Some mothers manage to treat all children equally while others have favourites among their biological children. Meanwhile, there are people who run orphanages and take care of children that are not theirs immaculately. But I believe that it is unrealistic to expect perfection from women to connect with everyone the same.

PUBLISHED ON Jul 01,2023 [ VOL 24 , NO 1209]