Is Struggle the Secret Ingredient in Parenting?

May 3 , 2025
By Eden Sahle

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In an age obsessed with convenience and instant gratification, parenting stands at a crossroads. Many of us, with the best intentions, try to smooth every bump in our children’s path; solving problems before they arise, shielding them from discomfort, and giving more than is needed. It feels like love, but it may be doing more harm than good.

We want to give our children a good life. But in trying to protect them from hardship, we risk robbing them of something far more important. Neurologists caution that parenting should not aim to eliminate struggle, but to prepare children to face it. Our job is not to make life easy, but to equip them with the tools to navigate it.

Overprotective parenting, shielding kids from failure and adversity, often backfires. Studies link it to heightened anxiety, low self-esteem, and poor coping skills. When we prevent children from experiencing difficulty, we also prevent them from developing emotional strength and problem-solving skills.

Each time we intervene to make things easier we take away the chance for our children to stumble, learn, and recover. Setbacks are inevitable, and knowing how to bounce back is a greater asset than never having fallen.

A neurologist friend once told me that parenting is like teaching a child to swim. You do not just throw them in, but you also cannot carry them across the pool forever. You teach the strokes, stay close, and step back when they are ready. Eventually, they swim on their own; because they practiced, failed, and tried again.

Before I became a parent, she advised me to prioritise resilience and independence. We reconnected recently, and her advice still rings true: if we do everything for our children, we send the message that they are not capable. That breeds fear, not confidence.

Responsibility starts small. When my daughter could sit up at six months, I let her try putting on her trousers and socks. It took months, but she grew more confident. By the time she turned one, she could do it herself. I do not replace broken things without explaining why they matter, even if her vocabulary is still catching up. Now she is more careful with her belongings.

She tries to fix broken toys, puts away books, and keeps track of where things go. Watching her light up when she solves something on her own reminds me why these small lessons matter.

Responsibility is not something children magically acquire as adults; it is a skill built gradually. Experts say children can contribute from a young age in age-appropriate ways: putting away toys, feeding pets, dressing themselves. These tasks teach accountability, pride in effort, and the value of contribution.

As they grow, so should their responsibilities. A strong work ethic comes not from watching others work, but from doing it themselves.

Another valuable tool parents can pass on is financial literacy. Yet schools often fall short in teaching it effectively, and if children do not learn it at home, they may learn it the hard way later in life.

Research suggests that financial education should begin as early as age three, when children start developing executive-function skills. Introducing simple concepts like saving, spending, and delayed gratification lays the foundation for responsible financial behavior.

As the saying goes, “More is caught than taught.” Children are always watching. If they see us stressing over bills or relying on debt, they internalise those behaviors as normal. Financial habits are often inherited, not through instruction, but through observation.

That is why it is vital for parents to model healthy financial behavior; budgeting thoughtfully, saving regularly, spending wisely.

A few years ago, I stayed with that same neurologist friend and her family in London. I watched her involve her young children in real conversations about money. She let them see her pay bills, plan for big expenses, and save with purpose. They helped with grocery shopping using a list and a budget. They managed small allowances and were allowed to make mistakes.

“Failure is not the enemy,” she often says. It is one of the most powerful teachers children can have, if we let it be. A failed test, forgotten homework, or a mismanaged allowance should not result in panic or parental rescue. These are moments for reflection and growth.

When we constantly intervene, we rob children of the natural consequences that drive development. Letting them face mild frustration or embarrassment builds problem-solving skills and emotional maturity, tools that serve them far beyond childhood.

We also live in an era where every child gets a trophy, win or lose. While well-intentioned, this can foster entitlement over confidence. When rewards are guaranteed regardless of effort, children may come to expect success without merit.

But life does not work like that. Jobs are earned through competence, promotions through performance, and financial stability through discipline. Teaching children the value of effort, perseverance, and honest feedback protects them from disillusionment later.

Ultimately, children become what they see. Our words matter, but our actions matter more. If we want responsible kids, we must model responsibility. If we want honesty, we must live with integrity. If we want them to handle money wisely, we must demonstrate that with every decision.

That does not require perfection, just consistency. In fact, showing our children how we own up to mistakes and recover from them can be more powerful than never making mistakes at all.

We all want happy children. But true happiness does not come from comfort alone, it comes from capability. From the confidence of knowing they can overcome challenges, the pride of earning what they have, and the freedom that comes from making wise choices.

Raising resilient, capable, financially literate children does not happen overnight. It takes patience, intention, and the courage to let them struggle. But the reward is immense: when our children step into the world, they will not be crushed by its weight. They will be ready to carry it.

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PUBLISHED ON May 03,2025 [ VOL 26 , NO 1305]

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